


Who Do I Have To Kill For Coffee

by camichats



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alive Reginald Hargreeves, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brotherly Affection, Gen, Number Five's Love of Coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26479900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: Five comes back to stop the apocalypse, but it's before Reginald's funeral. He goes to Diego because he seems to be the only one with access to coffee.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 4
Kudos: 141





	Who Do I Have To Kill For Coffee

"Are you getting arrested or are you free to leave?" a voice said, awfully close to where Diego was sitting beside Patch's desk. 

It sounded like he was talking to Diego, so him and Patch both looked over. Diego froze at what he saw while Patch said, "I'm not sure that's any of your business, to be honest. Why are you in here? Who left you all alone?" 

Five summarily ignored her and was instead looking at Diego. He raised an eyebrow when Diego's mouth opened but he couldn't get any words out. This wasn't his usual stutter; this was being struck dumb. "Getting arrested is beneath you," Five said, casual like he didn't pop up in the middle of a police station like no time had passed. 

"I'm not arrested," Diego managed to say. 

"Not this time," Patch said, rolling her eyes. "Diego, who is this guy?" 

"My brother." 

"I take it this isn't the one who's a junkie," Patch said, but the answer to that was pretty obvious. The only brother he'd specifically mentioned to her was Klaus because he wasn't about to lay down all the family politics for her when she was never going to meet any of the others. 

"Klaus?" Five asked, and Diego nodded. Five let out a sigh like that information was disappointing, but not surprising. 

"It's not like it's easy for him to go clean when the reward is a bunch of ghosts screaming in his ear," Diego defended, unsure why he was doing it even as he said it; he disliked Klaus being higher than a fucking cloud as much as everyone else did. 

"What?" Patch asked. 

Right, they should get out of here before they got into the gritty shit-- like how Five was here at all and why he'd come to Diego of anyone else in the family. "Thanks for the lecture, Detective Patch. I'll see you around." 

Patch sighed and gave a halfhearted wave goodbye as she turned back to her paperwork. 

"The hell are you doing here, Five?" 

"It seemed like you could use the help," he said, and Diego rolled his eyes. Five wasn't exactly known for his humanitarian gestures. 

"Yeah. You've been missing for years and now you show up looking like nothing's changed." 

"I got the calculations wrong. Rest assured, I'm older than I look." 

"How's that possible?" Diego asked, then regretted it when Five said a whole bunch of shit he didn't understand. "What does that mean?" he asked when Five was done. 

"It means you're an idiot, but you're also the sibling most likely to buy me coffee. Did you know that Vanya drinks tea? That's all she has. Tea. Herbal tea because caffeine messes with her meds." 

"You saw Vanya?" 

"You didn't think you were the first person I came to see, did you?" Five asked, pairing it with a condescending smile. 

Little shit hadn't changed at all, even if he was older than Diego now. 

"So where did we land on the coffee?" 

"There's a stand a few buildings down. Who else have you seen?" 

"Just Luther, but that was an unfortunate side effect of asking Mom if the Academy had any coffee. Apparently, the old man is still holding fast to his anti-coffee regime for reasons known only to him. I was kind of hoping that he'd be dead by the time I came back." 

Diego paused, stopping Five from continuing to walk with a hand on his arm. "You okay?" 

"Even if I wasn't, I wouldn't talk to _you_ about it." 

"Who are you going to talk to? Vanya?" 

"I have Delores, who is a far better listener than any of you shit heads." 

"If she's so great, why aren't you making her get you coffee?" 

"She's not my secretary," Five sneered, shaking off Diego's hand and continuing to walk. 

"If she's your sounding board, she can get you coffee," Diego said, but he followed Five anyways. It wasn't every day that your brother came back from the dead, even if he was acting a little weird. "Why would you want Dad to be dead? You weren't even around when he started to really lose it." 

"He makes everything complicated," Five said. "You really think he's going to sit idly by while I make the rest of you help me stop the Apocalypse? No, he's going to want to stick his fingers in to try and puppet master the whole thing even when he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about." 

"Apocalypse?" 

"Buy me a pastry in addition to the coffee, and I'll tell you about it in words you can actually understand." 

Diego gave him a hard shove, but he blinked out with a flash of blue light and reappeared on Diego's other side. 

"Is that a yes?" 

"Yes." 


End file.
